listen all y’all, it’s a (self) sabotage

Tonight was week 2 of Bootcamp. Or Diva Bootcamp as I refuse to call it. It’s a GREAT class put on by Raquel at Stay Fit Studios. We meet every Wednesday at 7pm. We arrive, weigh in, then it’s about a 40 minute intense workout followed by some food talk. And not the good kind of food talk. Like what not to eat. Raquel is fantastic. Though she’s more Lion than Kitten, she’s very supportive and pushes us to succeed. She’ll respond to any text we send her no matter how asinine. It’s a great group of ladies that work out and we all manage to have a giggle or two in between shooting Raquel dirty looks while sweating through some awful exercise or another.

How could I not succeed, right? Well, let me tell you about me. I mean, it’s my blog. You want to hear about somebody else, read their blog! I have been overweight my entire life. I’ve never worn a bikini outside of when I was a little kid. My stomach is as white as a ghost. It’s never seen the sun since I was a wee bairn. I avoided sleeveless shirts like Justin Beiber avoids pants that fit since I don’t know how long. The sleeveless thing has changed since I moved to the surface of the sun. Also, I reached that blissful age a few years ago where mostly I just don’t give a hoot. I don’t have to look at my bare giant arms, you do. sorry! I’ve always used food for comfort. I had an extremely abusive childhood (not my parents, but someone close. I’ll save it for my memoir, it’s not important any more). As a result of this abuse, I built a wall with my fat to protect myself from the abuse (did NOT work). And then later, to be purposely (though subconsciously) repulsive to men so that none would find me attractive, I wouldn’t get hurt, blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I’ve had a LOT of therapy. Anywho, those food patterns are very difficult to break. I’ve got it mostly under control. I mainly use drugs and alcohol now. KIDDING. And btw, this is not at all an excuse for being fat. It all started with childhood trauma but that all happened 35 years ago or so. I’ve had plenty of chances to reprogram my brain. I went through lazy periods, party periods and dating a gay man periods (that one cost me 70 pounds. score!) And my weight issues have nothing to do with anyone else’s. It’s just I’ve been seeing some fat people hate, more and more lately on Facebook and other social media. Even from people I never expected. Listen, ain’t a fatty out there that doesn’t know that they’re fat. And most of us know fully well how to lose the weight. Easier said than done in some cases.

But the point is, I still fall back on old habits sometimes. If I’m stressed or lonely, food is there. If I’m having boy issues, food is there. If I’m upset, food is there. If it’s sunny out, food is there. Ok, maybe not quite that bad any more. The weirdest things do set me off. If someone compliments my weight loss at a mentally inopportune time, then hello chips! If someone doesn’t notice my weight loss, hello ice cream. Yeahhhh….I’m fun to know. One of the biggest triggers? Actively trying to change my eating habits. Like Bootcamp! I’m so hopeful signing up for it and then week one I eat everything in sight. Well, everything fried and breaded and sugared in sight. I want nothing to do with all the fruits, vegetables and lean proteins. Have week one of Bootcamp coincide with PMS? forget it!!! no carb is safe. Bring on the potato in any form. Except sweet. They smell like feet. And this self sabotage happens every. single. time. From Weight Watchers back in the day to Bootcamp now. The difference between then and now? Back then, I’d immediately quit. Now? I quit after 2 weeks. I kid. I just keep trucking along. There’s always week 2!

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3 Responses to listen all y’all, it’s a (self) sabotage

  1. Raquel says:

    All you can do is keep on truckin girl. The way I am today is not genetic. It’s hard work and tears and sweat and it’s every day!!! I sacrifice and deny myself every day. My mothers side of the family’s average weight is about 400 pounds.
    We all fall off the wagon. Just don’t crash and burn – shake it off and jump back on!
    I will help you anyway I can. You are an inspiration to many me included! Hold your head high girl!

  2. daveydave says:

    Achtung Baby! Easily your best blog post yet! I really appreciated the courage it takes to write on such a deep & personal level. It’s hard to admit what we carry with us. However…done! Never gone, but if you have enough courage (personified!) to write about such issues, I don’t see you giving up on any goal. Also, I’m glad you put some HURT back on HURT. F-Yeah! You’ve plugged away at your goals for several years now. Keep doing it. Keep the good ppl around you. Don’t be afraid to lean on them. FYI, I’m here for the long haul. Just keep turning those pedals over & realize you are an athlete!

    • katgilmour14 says:

      Thanks Dave! Means a lot. You’re stuck with me for the long haul. We’ve been friends for almost 30 years. Can’t lose each other now 🙂 I completely appreciate your support.

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