As I prepare to return my umpteenth piece of fitness clothing because it doesn’t fit right, allow me to tell you the Trial of the Fathlete Shopper.

You see, as I’ve said several times, I am not petite. I am large and well endowed with a caboose of similar size to the whatever you call the front of the train. I also have long legs and a longish torso. My arms are never a problem as I suffer from a T Rex type affliction (I can reach things up on a high shelf, but definitely not if it’s at the back of the cabinet. Hide cookies from me there). Anywho, that gives you a disturbing image of my plight when looking for clothes.

I am extremely lucky that I live on a tropical-like island. But it is an island, so the clothing stores are limited. Especially if your body type is eerily similar to that of an underwater Disney villain (though at least I’m taller and have better skin tone). I rely 100% on internet shopping. Now what group of people need to work out more than any other group? Fattys. And what group has the fewest clothing choices? Fattys. I usually have to wear men’s tri shorts and bike shorts. and can usually fit like one boob in women’s tanks, so I wear men’s tops there too.

Now regular workout clothes have come a long way in the past couple of years. http://www.oldnavy.com and http://www.lanebryant.com (the official Fat Store) now carry a variety of tanks, pants, shorts and tops for workouts. And most of it is fairly flattering. This delusion is helped when not looking in a mirror. Where Lane Bryant really shines is that they’ve FINALLY made a good sports bra for the well endowed. Thank you baby jesus, I no longer have to wear two bras working out so it looks like I have a uniboob. Yup, you read that right. Thought I’d give you a nice addition to the image provided in paragraph two. You’re welcome. Though weirdly, I can get two bras from them that are the exact same size, color, type, etc and they fit differently. Don’t know what that’s about. Except it seems a lot like a ploy to drive me insane (jokes on them, I’ve had my blinker to get off on the Crazy Exit for some time now). My only complaint with the other clothes is the lack of color. Listen to me retailers, I’m wearing skin tight spandex. The jig is up. Not hiding my weight, give me some color, dammit!

Tri clothing still has a ways to go. Wearing men’s stuff is unflattering and ugly. And the padding in the Tri Shorts and bike shorts is way in the wrong place. ouchie. The tops work ok, but ends up being tight in the chest with GAPING armpits. yeahhhhh….I don’t love the race photos of me. http://www.junonia.com makes a valiant effort but apparently all of their clientele is 5’3 and has no boobs. Which is a very specific demographic.

And don’t even get me started on trying to find a wetsuit. I finally found one but had to return so many that I’m surprised the UPS guy didn’t show up with hundreds of yards of neoprene and a seamstress just so he could stop delivering and picking up the failures.

Oh well, at least I can wear cute sneakers.