Those of you on Facebook probably heard about what happened to me on Friday night. I struggled with posting about it on Facebook and I’m struggling with writing about it on this blog. It’s not about getting the “poor you, you’re awesome” comments. Though they’re appreciated, I find it embarrassing. The reason I’ve decided to blog about it is because of all the private messages I received of people who have been in the same or similar situation and found comfort in the story and really supported me. So maybe this will help some others.
Here it is: If you’ve heard it, skip to next paragraph 🙂 This is the abridged version. There’s a guy that works at the same marina as I do. We know each other and have a lot of mutual friends. Every time I would start a conversation with him, he’d just get up and walk away. I mentioned this to another friend and she was like “no way, blah, blah, blah” He heard us talking and was like “what’s up?” I said “It feels like you don’t like me and I don’t know why. And not only that you don’t like me but that you find me useless as a human being” and he said “do you really want to know why?” I said yes. He looked me up and down and said “I don’t know how anyone let’s themselves get to the point where they look like THAT”. Immediate tears. I said through my tears “you think I’m useless because I’m fat?” he said yes. Believe me, you never forget something like that. Last year, similar conversation. Then Friday night more of the same with him getting really aggressively in my face. and he’s not the only one that has said something like that to me. A person on TripAdvisor felt the need to comment on my weight while reviewing Lazy Dog, I’ve had guys tell me they’d never be with me cause I’m fat, I’ve had strangers comment on my weight. Cause there’s nothing like unsolicited advice.
My answers to these comments have ranged from total depression, to laughing it off to saying (on Friday night, finally) “I may be fat but I can lose weight, you’ll always be an asshole”. Of course with tears running down my face the impact of the last one may have lacked a bit but whatevs.
Now I keep hearing “he’s a coked out jerface” (to sum up and clean it up a bit). But that’s so not the point. It’s about having the worst things you think about yourself in your darkest moments verbalized back to you like a gut punch. Every time something like this happens, it breaks you a little bit. This one broke me big time. It’s been days of tears and anger and wanting to fight through and wanting to not leave the house. But humans are strong and it gets better all the time. I’ve gotten nothing but support and love from not only the people closest to me but also people I never ever expected to hear from. And that has all been great.
What’s the point of all of this? I really don’t know. Maybe it’s be careful of what you say to others. Maybe it’s that people can say horrible things to you but don’t let it define you. Get up, dust yourself off and be stronger than before. Which, turns out is way easier said than done. I’ve definitely vacillated between fight and curling up into a ball. I never thought I’d be bullied as an adult. Where does that even happen other than the Lifetime Movie Network? But it happened and it sounds like it happens to others. It’s like fat is the last ok prejudice to have. But again, time to get up and dust myself off and get back to training.
And then I can beat the snot of him next time.