ahhh…Facebook memories. You are a fickle, bipolar Son of a Nutcracker. Sometimes it’s all “Look! look what fun you had!” or “Look! Look at that trip you went on”. And other times it’s “Look! you are boring as F! Nobody, and I mean, NOBODY gives the tiniest rat’s ass about that show, game, ocean smell, pasta, workout, fricken tree that you felt the need to share with the people that haven’t unfollowed you yet”.

And then today there was this:

so proud, so hopeful!

This was 4 years ago today. My first Triathlon. I had done a couple of relays but this was the first time I did all 3 events. For the most part, the race was a pretty horrible experience. (You can get bored all over again read all about it here https://diaryofafathlete.com/2012/10/09/hello-world/

But I have never felt more accomplished about anything than when I finished that race. And I wanted to feel that again and again. That’s why I keep going back for more.

I had super high expectations back then after finishing that race. I figured within a year I would: write an award winning blog about how I lost weight and became the fittest me ever, get a book deal, go on Ellen, get sponsors, design a workout line for plus sized gals, complete an Ironman and run the Boston Marathon. yeah……like none of that happened in a year or even 4 years later.

What has happened? Lots of lows, lots of highs and lots and lots of sweat. I am way fitter! Though the weight part has definitely been a struggle (how can something so high make me feel so low? ba dum, dum). The training has been predictably up and down. It’ll be weeks and weeks of motivation and breakthroughs and then a few days (weeks) of self doubt, terrible self talk and zero motivation. I am nowhere close to running the Boston Marathon or doing an Ironman. Running has been such a brutal mental struggle for me. I know I can do it! I just can’t seem to shut myself up and just run! I’ve made improvements big and small in my swim and bike. My body image has vastly improved. You can’t wear this much spandex in public and continue to give many F’s about what it looks like. My bank account has been seriously depleted. But I’ve had a ton of fun on race road trips! I’ve made some really close friends and made stronger bonds with old friends. And I’ve learned to manage my expectations a bit. I’ve done about 20-something Sprint Triathlons. I’ve attempted 1 Olympic and crawled my way through a Half Marathon. I’m usually towards the back of the pack but my only goal is usually just to finish a tiny bit faster than last time.  I still have dreams of becoming an Ironman and running Boston. It’s just taking a wee bit longer than I thought. But I’ll get there! Eventually. And I’ll be rocking the spandex.